


Coming Home

by SimplyArtisan01



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Battle, Betrayal, F/M, Fighting, Healing, Internal Conflict, Loss, Love, Love Stories, Redemption, Romance, Wedding, couples, overcome, relationship, whathappensafter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyArtisan01/pseuds/SimplyArtisan01
Summary: Having saved all of Thaddeus from the evils of Corypheus, Isabella is left trying to navigate the pain of absolute betrayal.





	1. Far and Away

**Author's Note:**

> I had a very skeletal work up for some time but finally have taken the time out to go back through and reedit/write a lot of it. Still a work in progress. I just had to wait for the inspiration to hit again. Striking while the iron is hot so to speak. Apologies if it is something you have already read before. I promise it is better than before. LOL
> 
> Inspirational Music:
> 
> Cullen's song: Not Over You- Gavin Degraw 
> 
> Izzie's song: A Little Too Much- Shawn Mendes

The sun began to peak its way over the Frostback Mountains splashing out amongst the cloud's pastel shades of purples, pinks, and light oranges announcing its powerful presence. A new dawn was approaching with the rays of sunlight shooting out down across the Hinterlands. It began slowly creeping to Redcliff Farms Camp lighting up the small flowing creek just beyond. The fresh crisp air was blowing the white powder from the tops of snow drifts. 

A shaft of yellow light poured into the small round splintered window waking her up. Slowly she started to open her round blue eyes half blinking as if the light would render her blind. Sleep hadn't been afforded much the last several months and for the first time she felt safe and comfortable enough to do so. She didn't even remember laying on the small wooden framed rickety bed. Sitting up rubbing her eyes with the fingers of her right hand she let out a sigh of relief. It had been a year since she lost her left arm to the most traitorous person she had ever met. Even now, she was feeling ghost pains of an appendage that had been taken from her violently and in the most devastating way. Had she known this would be the outcome she would have just opted for death. Yawning she raised her arms above her head as if reaching to the heavens in an effort to stretch and shake off the chill that had just overcome her. 

Moving to the edge of the wooden bed frame she placed her bare feet upon the cool dirty creaky wooden floor and looked around. All the furniture had white sheets over it and dust had gathered upon the window sills while cobwebs had made themselves a home along the corners of the room and at the base of the furniture. She was lucky she stumbled upon the abandoned cottage when she did. If anything, all those years spent being the Inquisitor taught her how to be resourceful and that winter can absolutely be unforgiving. 

There had looked to be a blizzard moving down from the mountains when she stumbled upon this place. Looking to have not been inhabited since the beginning of the war she decided it a safe enough spot to rest. She pulled a blanket over her shoulders as she moved herself off the bed. Standing to peer out the window she saw fresh mounds of glorious white snow. Natures fleece blanket that had not yet been disturbed. She still had some time before she had to leave. 

Curiously driven, she started moving about the small cottage looking to see if there were any reminders of the family or maybe the couple who lived here previously. Before the world as they knew it ceased to be. She walked over to a dresser that seemed to have trinkets atop of it defined by the yellowing white cotton sheet. She began to pull back the covering slowly as to not topple or disturb any of the hidden treasures. Life was different with having only one working arm and things seemed to take twice as long as it would have had she had both. Sucking in her breath she held it in anticipation of what she would find though fully prepared to have it knocked out of her at any moment. 

A piece of metal glimmered in the light catching her eye causing her to let her breath out with a whoosh. When she turned to look, she saw the most exquisitely sketched portrait of a woman inside a floral adorned case. She looked to be no older than she was herself. Long flowing hair over what seemed to be a laced-up shirt with a fur hooded cloak hanging around her shoulders. Her smile was slightly crooked and her upper lip much thinner than her bottom. Her eyes were this beautiful almond shape with what looked like love and hope radiating from them. That artist who captured her in that moment captured something she hadn't seen in a very long time. They had captured the hope, innocence, and beauty in a world before Corypheus. A world she would never know again. She thought back to the last time she had been so alive and full of wonder at the world that this young woman seemed to exude. Maker, she couldn't think of anything. Her mind was blank. 

Looking at the young woman's face again she wondered if she had made it through all of this alive. If she still held the sweet innocence she shone in this drawing. Something struck her while peering at the woman's heart shaped face. Her lips and the crooked smile reminded her of someone from her past she longed to forget. It had been months since she had left the Inquisition. Since she had left… Maker why was it so hard for her to say his name. 

“Cullen.” It came out as a feeble whisper. 

His was a name that hadn't been said since she left. Memories started to flood her and sadness crept into her heart taking root. She had tried not to think of him and constantly reminding herself that if she could take down Corypheus she could get over a broken heart. It had been moderately well until now. 

After Solas betrayed her, stole a piece of who she was from her, and having faced countless demons, along with those seeking to destroy all of Thaddeus by helping Corypheus, she knew she would never again be the same. The Grey Wardens were free to rebuild their order, the Templars were rebuilding, and the mages were free though on a long leash. Nothing had prepared her for the betrayal of a trusted companion. One who had been there every step of the way and had saved her life by stabilizing the anchor soon after she stumbled out of the fade. She knew that she would never be able to rebuild her broken soul as everyone else was able to rebuild. 

Tears slowly started to fall down her cheeks. He ruined her life. The trust and openness she had, vanished. In all of her anger, bitterness, and resentment she had managed to push everyone close to her away. She truly was alone in this world now. Maker only knows why she was spared. Solas should have just killed her where she lay. This life was worse than death. A life without the beauty of love. Sadder still was she had that love. It had been within her reach. 

Closing her eyes, pictures of the moment Cullen proposed to her came flashing back bombarding her with lost dreams. He was better off with her gone. He deserved to have it all and she could no longer give him what he needed and deserved. She was less of a person not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. Leaving was the right thing to have done. He had seen so much pain and desperately wanted to live a quiet life. He had sacrificed the best of him for the Templars and for the Inquisition. They all had. When the Circle Tower of Kinloch Hold fell and Kirkwall’s Rebellion, he had hoped his fighting days were over. Then he took up the position of Military Advisor and Commander of the Inquisitions forces. 

Wiping at the trail of tears on her cheek she grabbed the drawing of the young woman and gently placed the cotton sheet back over the dresser. She had wasted enough time wallowing in her misery. Misery was to be her friend from now on so she may as well learn to cope and survive with it. Biting her lower lip, she thrust her chin in the air determined to be alright. 

Holding the picture to her heart she began moving back to the old wooden bed where she picked up the bag that held all her prized possessions. Placing her pack upon the soft fur blanket she opened it placing the sketch of the woman in an interior pocket. She didn't know why she felt the need to take it and half regretted doing so. How upset would the proprietors of the house be if a sentimental piece such as this turned up missing? She only hoped that they might understand. Hope is what she needed along with the innocence this woman was so generous to share. 

Snapping back to the present and moving out of nostalgia she suddenly heard the whinnies of horses in the distance. She rushed to the small window to look out. Not seeing anything yet she knew it wouldn't be long before they got here. Tossing the blanket that was on her back to the bed she quickly grabbed her bag in an effort to close it when the bag slipped and fell off the bed. A golden band sprung from its prison and bounced and rolled couple feet away on the old wooden floor. Spinning a bit before coming to its final resting place her dearest treasure ended up a quarter of an inch away from slipping into the depths below. Maker's breath. She most certainly didn't have time to pry all the wooden boards up had it slipped into the dark abyss. Though she would have. Even if it meant her being caught. Walking over to where the ring rested she knelt down and picked it up rubbing the band gingerly between her thumb and fingers. She should have given it back to him but she couldn't bring herself to do so. It would be a blow she wouldn't dare give him. It would have broken him even more than her leaving was already going to do. 

Quickly moving back to her bag, she tossed the ring inside and closed it. Picking it up she hoisted the Halla leather pack which held her life's possessions onto her back. Briskly walking out of the bedroom through the hallway to the kitchen she began maneuvering to the back door. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head and clung onto the cold iron lever. Turning back, she prayed a silent prayer and thanked the previous owners for letting her use their home as a safe haven for the night. Her gratitude still looming in the air she stepped through the threshold down into the light powdery clouds that covered the land. 

Deep male voices carrying in the wind could be heard from near the front of the cottage. Luckily, she had taken care to survey the area before she made camp last night. Harding was always teaching her small things in between her perilous missions. Things like what to look out for, ways to track animals and people, and how to study terrain. If it hadn't been for Harding imparting her knowledge, she would have had to concede months ago to either the land or Leliana. Staying hidden from Leliana's agents had proven to be a bit more tough. Her people were very good at what they did but she somehow always managed to stay one step ahead. Today though was close. Too close. Quickly moving through the fresh snow, she hurried up the slope where the rocky terrain of the mountain would be sure to cover any trace of her. Sliding down the ridge line in an effort to make it to the thick tree line that would better camouflage her mind raced . 

She couldn't go back. She dare not go back. There was too much pain, too much history, too much of her old life. Her life that was filled with hope had been ripped away. What was the point of any of it if Solas was hell bent on destroying everything she worked to do? Why bring children into a world damned by Fen’harel? He had told her he would destroy the Veil and in doing so would destroy her world, their world. No one knew the hopelessness she was feeling. She had chosen to keep the information that Solas shared to herself. Carrying a burden no one knew about and in doing so was still doing her job as protector of Thaddeus and leader of the Inquisition. Cullen could never find out why she had left beyond her own brokenness. He deserved to live out what was left of his life in peace. He would eventually move on. If he had known he would have continued to fight an already lost battle and died never having what he wanted most in life. Yes. This was the only way. The only way she could guarantee peace for not just Cullen, Leliana, Josie, but also for all of Thaddeus. They didn’t need to know their world they fought so hard to protect, many giving their own lives, was all in vain. She would sooner end her life before uttering those words of death. 

Placing her hand upon her forehead to protect her eyes from the intense shining sun, she stared out towards the south. Fallow Mire was maybe a day to a day and a half’s walk from where she currently was. The bogs there had been used many times to lay low when the Inquisition’s scouts had gotten close. What better place than a wet miserable rainy bog to detract unwanted visitors. She did hate how badly it smelled. The stench of rot and mildew would last upon her clothes, hair, and skin for weeks though she would rather that fate than the one trailing behind her. 

Setting her jaw and with a renewed urgency she began to take longer strides. She would be free of them soon enough and needed to figure out where to make camp for the night. It was towards the end of winter but the prospect of not being able to make a fire was still very harrowing. She would have to pick up bits of leaves, fur, cloth, or anything else found along the way in order to help insulate her helping to keep as much of her warmth as possible. She couldn’t risk anyone seeing the smoke that would rise marking her location.


	2. Torment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this was part of Chapter 1 but I thought splitting the ideas by putting them in different chapters was a better idea. <3

He slammed his fists on his heavy oak desk. Another report with traces of her existence but no sign her. Maker’s breath. He picked his hands up and cradled his face in them tears threatening to spill over. He hadn't slept well in almost a year and it was starting to wear on him. He was slowly falling apart but every report he got saying they had found a campfire with semi-warm ashes or something of the nature let him know that while she was gone, she was still alive. He grasped onto every word in each report. Pouring over them time and time again thinking he had for sure missed something. He still felt no closer to finding Isabella. 

Leliana had sent her best agents to find her. Josephine had written every dignitary with instructions that if they see her in any of their cities to alert us at once. There was not much more they could do. Either Izzie was really good or their people were inept. Knowing her, she was just that good at avoiding being caught. She had been trained and trialed for three years straight. Always someone needing her. Always something taking her away from him. He had wondered many of his lyrium withdrawal induced sleepless nights what would finally push her away. 

“Damn you Solas!” he shouted through gritted teeth all the raw pain and emotion breaking through causing his voice to crack. 

Had that damned elf not taken from her more than her arm she would still be here running her fingers through his thick curly golden hair. He didn’t just take her arm though. He also broke the trust she had and destroyed her reality when he told her who he was and what he was going to do. It made her feel that all she had sacrificed was for not. He had been one of her closest companions and confidants. They were almost just as inseparable as her and Dorian. Maker she would be cuddling up to him every night with her pale soft flesh touching his if it weren’t for him. They would be planning a wedding and sharing a future together had Solas not ripped her world apart. Their world apart. 

Sweet memories of Izzie started to flood his rattled mind haunting him. He saw the empty hollow shell, a ghost of a person, she was reduced to after Solas’ betrayal. Her carefree spirit was taken and left in its place was a woman ravaged by doubt and riddled with insecurities. Her captivating smile that brought light and love to all those graced by it had vanished. Her brilliant blue eyes full of vivacious life now sunken and empty. Her effervescent personality that drew everyone to her was like a bold flame snuffed out. 

“Maker! You took too much!” He yelled removing his hands from his face and pushed everything off his desk in a fit of rage. “You took too much!” he murmured placing both hands on his desk he slumped over as if he were bearing the weight of all of Thaddeus upon his shoulders. He knew that this was much bigger than him. The Inquisition needed their leader. He needed his heart. Thaddeus needed their proclaimed savior. He knew that this was just the beginning. The beginning of something much bigger than what they had all been through. Through all of this they had been tracking Solas. Once Solas disappeared from Skyhold, Leliana sent her spies to follow him. They, however, were not fast enough. Isabella had managed to get to Solas before them. No one knows what the exchange was made between Izzie and Solas nor how her hand was removed. Their men had found her lying unconscious arm up to her elbow and anchor gone in front of an Eluvian mirror and no Solas in sight. From that moment something deep within his gut told him that he was still not finished. It twisted him up at night and he found in the moments where decent sleep may have been nightmares had came instead. 

“Maker! When will I finally have peace in my life? Is it just not meant to be? Is not being allowed to have love, a family, happiness my punishment for the trespasses I have committed in my past?” he screamed out staring intently at the natural wood pattern drawn on his now spotless desk. “I have tried to make amends!” 

Before he had a moment to compose himself there was a gentle knock on his door. Sighing he straightened himself and reeled his emotions back in. Determined not to let the others see him as broken as he truly was. They couldn’t see their commander and leader falling apart for all hope truly would be lost. He couldn’t let them know he was barely holding on to his sanity. They couldn’t know that he was spiraling closer to numbing himself with Lyrium again. Izzie was his anchor in all of it. She grounded him and helped him to keep his demons at bay. Not having her he felt aimless and lost in a dark oblivion. 

“Come in.” He grumbled loud enough so the person standing on the other side of the door would hear, as he walked quickly around his desk to survey the destruction he had unleashed. 

Kneeling down to pick up the reports that were now scattered all around the floor the heavy wooden door creaked open. He glanced slightly to his right and saw the shadow of a slender, petite woman cast upon the floor. Her slender frame, the sound of her boots, hooded cape that were outlined, and the faint scent of sugared roses, incense, and candy floss gave her away. 

An Orlesian Bard and Left Hand to the Divine, Leliana was a force to be reckoned with. Her timing was always impeccable depending on who you were. In his case she couldn’t have picked a worse time. She had been taught manipulation, subterfuge, combat and how to read people by one of Orlais best players of the game. Her fiery temper that matched her red hair and greyish blue eyes that saw straight through one's soul was no match for even the best of facade. 

“I see you are faring about as well as I thought you were. You can hide it from everyone here. Generally.” Leliana said with a smirk crossing upon her lips, her arms crossed in front of her chest, right leg crossed over the left, leaning her left shoulder on the doorpost, and with an ornery gleam in her eye. 

Cullen groaned. He hated that she could read him so well. She always had him pegged and it never mattered how well he tried to hide it. Izzie was the only other person outside of Leliana and his sister, Mia, that could do it. It was unnerving and irritating. Far be it for a man to get lost in his head every once in a while, without people knowing exactly what was going on. How he managed to continuously surround himself with women like that Maker only knows. 

“Can I help you?” Cullen huffed. The strain on his voice clearly communicating that he was beginning to be overtaken by annoyance as he began scooping papers into a pile. 

“Looks like you are the one needing help.” Leliana said as she nimbly moved from the doorway to where Cullen was kneeling. She bent down and started to quickly pick up papers. “You know you can talk to me. You don’t have to shoulder this burden alone.” 

Cullen stood up with the papers he was able to gather in hand and tossed them onto his desk before walking over to the worn antique bookcases. Sighing he lifted his right arm to rest on one of the shelves leaning his forehead in to rest on his forearm. Staring down at his feet he struggled to find the words to express the inner turmoil that laid siege upon his mind and heart. He heard Leliana stand after collecting the last tendrils of reports that were left on the floor and walked to the desk gently placing them on top of the papers he had tossed. It was as if Leliana knew the war that was going on in his head as he heard her clear her throat to speak. 

“Cullen, she is nowhere and yet everywhere. I can't make any educated guess on where she may go next. It seems as though the years spent here and watching how my agents work have prepared her to evade them.” Leliana spoke exuding exasperation from her voice. 

“Leliana, she is brilliant, resourceful, educated, and a quick learner. This is why we picked her for our Inquisitor outside of the mark. You know this. She is a seasoned warrior, has learned from Sera and Varric. She has picked up survival tips from Harding. She at this point is unstoppable. I don't think we will ever find her. Unless she wants to be found that is.” Cullen’s voice moved into a faint whisper with last few words. 

Maker, could he be ready to give up? Could he bring himself to let go of the hope he had of seeing her walk down the aisle to him? Watch as her belly grew round with his child? Witness their children grow up, marry, and have little ones themselves? Was he willing to give up on his future? 

“No!” Cullen shouted as he hit the bookcase so hard books tumbled out. “I will not concede! She deserves to be happy and at peace as I do! I know I can make her happy and provide that peace. She didn't stop fighting for me through the lyrium withdrawal. I will not stop fighting for her now! I will not yeild!” 

Unsure if he meant that for himself or Leliana, he stood up straight and placed his hand on the back of his neck rubbing it. He inhaled deeply and abruptly exhaled. Pushing himself off the bookcase he slowly walked to his desk and slumped down in his chair. 

“I’m sorry Leliana. I shouldn't have let my emotions take hold of me like they did.” Cullen said sounding defeated while staring at the reports on his desk. He leaned forward placing his elbows firmly on the wooden pillar of strength and his hands on either side of his head so his fingers could start their work rubbing the headache away from his temples. 

“No need to apologize Cullen. You are handling this better than anyone else I know would. We will find her and we will bring her home. This I promise you.” 

Leliana moved steadily towards Cullen who was still haunched over his desk and placed her hand on his arm in a failed genuine attempt to reassure him. 

“I have never been bested Cullen. I refuse to start now. Have hope and pray that Andraste protect her.” she said with a resolute tone. 

Leliana took her hand off of his arm and moved to the door. Turning back around to stare at the crumpled shell of a man who looked like a lost mabari she offered her final advice. 

“Cullen please for Maker's sake give her something to come back to. Take care of yourself. Go take a bath, eat, and get some rest.” With that, Leliana closed the heavy wooden door and Cullen was alone again.


	3. Dreamless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izzie's songs: Forgetting- David Gray  
> Levity- Zuriel Merek

It had been days since she had a decent night sleep. The smell of the frozen bog was still clinging to her weeks later. What she wouldn't give for a hot bath, fresh linens, and a comb to brush her hair with. When she left, she had only grabbed the basics for survival. Closing her eyes, she could see her beautifully etched dragon bone comb laying untouched on her vanity. Letting out a defeated sigh she opened her eyes half hoping to be there in that moment. Winter was proving more difficult to weather than she thought it would be. During the Spring, Summer, and Fall she at least had warm running water to bathe herself in and a way to wash her clothes. Maker, she would give her right arm for the comforts of an Inn about now. 

She knew better though. The reach of the Inquisition and any village or city was dangerous ground for her. Being the Inquisitor, it did not leave her very many options. Everyone knew her. They had seen her or heard the many tales of the demon slaying savior of all of Thaedus. She would quickly be discovered and with Cassandra now the Divine Victoria even the Chantry would know her. It was not safe around any people or any town. If they found her, they would surely take her back. Take her back to what though? 

No longer the Inquisitor after meeting with the council, she effectively was a nobody now. She wasn't even sure if the person that once was still resided in her hollow depths and was afraid of what would be there waiting too. If she did go back now how would they all react? Only disappointment, anger, and possibly hatred was left for her there. She was sure of it and undoubtedly couldn't face him of all people. The way she left; he would never forgive her. A proper goodbye hadn't even been said. All she could muster up the courage to do was write two words scribbled upon the light parchment paper and leave it on his desk with his lucky coin carefully place on top of it before taking off into the night. 

“Thank you.” 

It was all she could bring herself to say. He had brought such love and light into her dark chaotic world. When she stumbled out of the fade and was terrified, he extended a friendship to her. He was always reassuring and commanded a presence with his wisdom and warmth though it came across incredibly awkward most of the time. 

Chuckling to herself as one of the fond memories of their first conversations began flitting back to her. It was the first chuckle she had in weeks if she was being honest with herself. Just thinking about when she had asked him if Templars were celibate like those who joined the Chantry and if he had taken any vows of celibacy. Oh, how he stammered, rubbed the back of his neck, and flushed at the question. That was it. She knew she was done for. He would be hers no matter the cost. The air around them was always electrically charged. Starting from the moment Cassandra introduced him as he stood overseeing the troops of the future Inquisition to the night she left. That night he had been pleading with her to talk to him. To open up and share her darkness with him. That was a burden she wouldn’t allow him to carry. 

Tears began to well up from the memories that were starting to coming flooding back when a twinge of pain went shooting down what was left of her arm. Snapping her back to reality she reached to massage the muscles of her arm to no avail. That was another drawback of being in the elements. The cold did nothing for her but cause her bones to ache. The elfroot that she was able to gather only helped give her marginal relief. Looking down at the folded fabric, a painful reminder of what she had lost, she let out a stifled groan. 

There was nothing else to do but to forget. Forget the touch of his calloused battle skilled fingers on her smooth creamy white skin. Forget the way his golden eyes would shine lighting up even the gloomiest of days when he looked at her. Forget those secret stolen intimate moments on the ramparts in between missions, resource gathering, daily briefings, being pulled and tugged every which way. Forget the sincere concern he expressed when the anchor would get temperamental. Forget the looks of fear he gave her each time she went beyond the walls each day not knowing if that would be the day, she would never return to him. Thinking back on it now, hindsight being what it is, she knew death would have been much sweeter for him. At least he would have certainly moved on and not been bound in any way to her. The memory of her would have been his only hope to cling to. 

The sun was pouring its glowing warmth over the land as far as her eyes could see. She knew that winter was almost over and that meant that there would be more activity on the roads and hillsides. Traversing the land unnoticed was about to get incredibly more difficult. Each season had its draw backs and the warmer ones, while the temperatures were very much appreciated, raised the risk of her being found out. 

The day felt like it was dragging on. With each step towards nothingness she got more and more indifferent to her circumstances. Along her endless journey she would stumble upon abandoned encampments, and was reminded of a different time. Her heart was torn between sadness and jealousy. She was saddened by the sight of all that was lost. While the war against the demons who escaped through the tear in the Veil, civil war between Orlais, and the repercussions of the destruction of the Divine Conclave helped set an impossible tone there were many small moments of happiness shared within their walls. 

Brotherhoods had been forged between those of different backgrounds, beliefs, races, and ages. They were bonds that were stronger than dwarven armor that death itself couldn’t even break. The silence now shattered what sentiments may have lingered. Posts had been abandoned as soldiers fled back to their families in celebration of all they had won, all they had accomplished. The great threat and tremendous evil had after all been vanquished. She was jealous of these men and women for they all had something she didn’t. A place to go after it was over. 

She had spent a year being truly the loneliest she had ever been in her life. Cullen attempted to easy the loneliness with words of affirmation, kindnesses, and sincere love. Deep within her heart she knew it wasn’t enough and possibly would never be enough for he was still her troops commander and that job came before them as it had a purpose bigger than them. They both had agreed to step back from each other should their relationship blind either of them from their responsibility and duties. The fear of loss be it of death or having to end what was between them was too much for her and so she kept them at arm's length in her heart. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for her world to inevitably end and end it did. 

It was almost time to find a safe place to set up camp for the night. The sun was melting into the horizon with a fiery show of vibrant reds and oranges. Another day of listless roaming marked down in the books. Oh, how she despised what her life had now become. She had absolutely no direction. No reason to really live any more. She had been so wrapped up in what she had to do it ended up becoming her identity and now didn't know who she was or what she wanted anymore. 

Her family was closely connected with the Chantry and the Templars. After the Chantry denounced her efforts there would be no place among them. Even more damned was her joining the Templar Order. Outside of what they did to Cullen, she couldn't unsee or forget the terrible trespasses the order did around her or to her. She saw with her own eyes the destruction, countless deaths, and effects of lyrium. She would be a slave to no one or thing. Alas, she was eternally doomed to just wander this land until it took her life. Every day she woke up was another day closer to just wishing the land to swallow her whole. 

Climbing up the ridge to a protruding rock ledge she hunkered down in exhaustion removing the burden she carried upon her back. A chill ran up her spine as the cold quickly seeped through her thick bear hide leather pants. Peering at the world below her she felt a twinge of pride swell in her chest. All that lay before her had been on the brink of disappearing forever. She had seen the future with Dorian at Redcliffe Castle after he tried to protect them from the rift Alexius created. That was the most horrifying moment she had ever witnessed when she realized that Dorian had managed to toss them like ragdolls through to another time. A time much darker than what they had just experienced. Redcliffe Castle was covered in raw red lyrium veins. It had the pungent smell of death and decay. 

When they stumbled upon Cassandra, Varric, Vivienne, and all the others wasting away in a cell it was almost too much to take. What sent her hurling into a tail spin of anger, hatred, anguish, disgust, and despair was when they walked into the torture chamber that held Leliana. Hearing the painful screams of a voice so very familiar to her she did not waste a moment. She sprinted as if her life depended on it rushing through the chamber door, Dorian not far behind. She had seen many a risen corpse but had never seen a living skeleton til that day. Maker only knew how long Leliana had been held captive there, denied food and water, and tortured. Her sunken in eyes were hollow but clarity still shone through the blue haze. She knew we were here for a reason. That the Maker had blessed us with this glimpse of what would be if we failed to destroy the Elder One. That was the moment that she knew this was a zero-sum game and the only winner could be the Inquisition. She knew then what she was prepared to give up. She knew she would gladly die if it meant saving all of Thaedus from the horrors of what she had witnessed. 

Reaching into her pack she pulled out the photo of the woman taken from the cottage earlier that morning. Looking into the face of innocence she silently prayed she wasn’t too late to stop it for her and that this young woman was off living a new full and happy life. Clutching the picture to her heart she wrapped her fur cloak around her and laid down on her side using the pack as her source of flight to other worlds beyond this. She slowly closed her eyes watching the setting sun hide away behind the majestic peaks drifting off into a dreamless slumber. 

Her pulse was racing at the sight of him. What had she done to be so deserving of the man who was before her? She bit her lower lip in anticipation of what was to come. Watching him spar with the recruits shirtless was causing her stomach to twist and warmth to fill her. Years of carrying the shield and sword had made it to where every movement seemed effortless for him. Leaning against the the cool gray stone which made up the wall on the ramparts, she watched as Cullen lunged forward with his sword while simultaneously throwing his left arm with the shield up to block the recruits advance. Cullen's pomade had worn off and due to the beads of sweat falling down his forehead his golden curls were starting to make their presence known. Oh how she loved running her fingers through those curls at night when they were cuddled together. She had tried a few times to get him to forego the pomade in favor of his loose curls but Cullen would not have it. He told her that he was the face of the Inquisition's forces and he dare not look the slightest disheveled. That standards were in place for a reason and the moment he let up his recruits would too and he had to be the example set. A laugh escaped her lips at the thought of their conversation. She looked down at the golden band on her right hand and wondered where they would go from here. Coryphius was defeated and people were starting to find a new normal after his widespread devastation in Thaedus. Hope and joy filled the air at Skyhold and for the first time she was daring to dream of what could be. She hadn't allowed herself to plan a future. Let alone imagine a future with a husband and family. 

Just then the rampart wall stones started to crumble and the sky went dark. She turned to try to outrun the dissipating stone and to help move everyone from the courtyard. It was too late. The blackness had consumed everything. Running faster than she ever had she cried out in search of Cullen. She was alone in the darkness only her echo to keep her company as she moved. Looking down at her right hand she saw the gold band starting to disappear and utter panic set in when she watched her left arm vanish before her eyes. Everything was lost. She was lost. 

“No. Nooooooo!” She heard her voice yell though it seemed to come from somewhere else but her own mouth. 

Shooting up in a cold sweat, she grasped at anything that might ground her. The nightmares always started off with her being content and ended with her being alone floating in a black oblivion. She laid back down and grasped her cloak with her hand so tightly her knuckles turned a ghostly white. Taking deep breaths trying to calm her nerves she looked up to the sky. Shades of pink and yellow started making their way over the towering mountain peaks. She had to end this. Maybe getting rid of her most prized possession would set her free from the nightmarish prison her mind held her in. She sat up and reached behind her for her bag. Rummaging through its contents she found what she was so desperately looking for. Pulling her hand out she clasped onto the golden band. This had to be it. Holding onto this was her holding onto hope. There was no hope. She could see it now. It was all too late. What would she do with this reminder? She couldn't go into town to sell it and if she was being honest with herself she didn't want to. Then it hit her. The lake. What better place to say goodbye to an old life filled with so much promise than the place where it all started. 

“How poetic.” she mumbled to herself. 

Rising up from her bedroll on the ground and placing the ring in her pants pocket she began to clean up any trace of her presence. With any luck the warmth of the sun would have melted the ice on the lake a bit allowing her access to its murky watery depths. Lake Calenhad was a meer half a days walk from where she was in Sulcher’s Pass and from there just south was her destination. The last time she had been there Cullen had given her his brother's lucky coin on the docks where she made a promise she had fully intended to keep. She began to seriously debate the luck of that coin and if that luck was truly only meant for Cullen.


	4. Good Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's Songs:
> 
> Zuriel Merek- Vanity Fair, Ardor  
> Dua Lipa- Homesick
> 
> Thank you for the comments and love you have shown for this work. I am in love with Izzie's story. <3

Spinning, falling, writhing in pain. Sword in hand as droves of demons spill out of the fade. There are too many of them. A disgusting and putrid the smell fills the air making his stomach turn. He would gladly fight through millions of demons just to be with her one more time and that would give him the closure he needed. He can hear her voice faintly calling out for him. He peers up at the crumbling stone tower laid against a twilight sky. His gut says she is there if only he could push pass these wretched infernal bearers of death. He whips around, cloak cascading and enveloping his waist and legs, brings up his shield smashing against the desire demon’s face causing the most rewarding sound to ring in his ears. The sound of one less demon to haunt him. The sound of another moment of stillness. His grip on his sword tightens as beads of sweat trickle down the sides of his temple. He takes in a ragged breath and as he exhales the chill in the air is made visible. He would do this for as long as it takes. He would fight his way to her or die trying. Another fade rift opened up in front of him and the figure he saw coming forth gave him pause. The Dread Wolf stood before him with a smirk creeping upon his unmarked elven face. He felt the rage swelling inside of him as he focused in on Solas’. Every memory he had of Izzie flashed before him as he closed his eyes. He knew what he needed to do. It was as if the world stilled around him. His heartbeat and shallow breathing were the only thing he could hear. Dropping his shield his eyes fluttered open. He brought his left hand up to his cloak’s clasp and slowly unbuckled it letting the burdens of the Thaddeus fall to the ground with his cloak. Bringing his left hand to grasp the hilt right above his right hand he let out a fierce battle cry that encompassed all his pain, anger, and despair he had been harboring in his heart. Setting his jaw he began to run towards the coward whom had been living a lie with every intent on cutting his heart from his chest. A shockwave of unknown force and energy hit him as if a herd of druffalo had plowed over him. Knocking the air from his chest it propelled onto the unforgiving mottled ground. Laying on his back he tried to catch his breath, sputtering and gulping for air, a familiar face looks over him. 

“You know nothing of what is to come. She was just the first. You think her broken when really, I have set her free. Free from the horrors of this world. A world that has shown her that she is but a means to an end and nothing more. You even used her to fix your broken wings. She is free from you all now.” the dark words poured through a contemptuous sneer. 

Cullen had tried for weeks to get some much-needed sleep as Leliana had told him to do. The nightmares of Kinloch, Kirkwall, and Haven that plagued him had now been replaced with nightmares of Izzie. Breathing heavily, he ran his battle worn hands through his golden curly tufts of hair in an effort to catch his breath and still his racing heart from this most recent nightmare. He could never get to her. Always her voice faint enough to hear but never certain from which direction it came. She would scream out his name for help and each night he failed to help her. He was more tired than he had ever been and waking up in drenched sheets and frantically looking for her next to him was getting quite old. 

He reached over to his small wooden side table and lit a half burned down candle. Opening the top drawer, he reached in to grab a piece of crumpled parchment. It was the only thing left of hers he had outside of memories. It was a short note that said two words: 

Thank you 

The inked words were smudged with runs on it from her tears dripping upon the paper. Tracing his fingers over the lettering he allowed himself to break down. Tears of sadness and despair started flowing freely down his feverish cheeks. Every nightmare felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest all over again. It was the same pain he felt the morning he awoke to an empty bed and note found on his desk. He knew she didn't want to leave. A woman who wanted to go would not have made stains upon the parchment like she did. He reached back into the drawer to pull out the silver coin she had left with the note. Rubbing the coin between his fingers he was brought back to a happier time when the Inquisition was new and fresh. A time when his world began to make sense and he finally had allowed himself to have hope in a future beyond chaos and war. He had taken Izzie to the only place he felt as serene as he did in her arms. The lake near where he grew up. He had run there many times in his youth to escape his sisters or to just be with his thoughts. The gentle lapping of water upon the rocky shores set his mind at peace and a tranquility would wash over him. He knew he needed to take Izzie there. If not but just to give her a break from the madness that consumed her life. 

She hadn’t asked for any of this but bore it with a strength that he had never himself seen. After all the soldiers he had trained and battles he witnessed; he still didn’t understand how she was able to carry such a monumental task. She looked so small, frightened, and fragile. He had hoped he would be able to grant her a reprieve but he got much more than he bargained. He had on a whim decided to open up his heart to her and allowed himself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability was something he didn’t do well. It was a weakness and tactical purposes he just couldn’t allow it. If you don’t let people get close enough you don’t feel the sting as much when they fall in the heat of battle. Izzie somehow had managed to push through and make a home in his heart. Every time she went out on a mission, it didn’t matter if it was to slay a dragon or gather resources, it felt as if his heart would stop. He couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to her and he was sure it would send him into a tail spin down a very dark path. 

Flipping the coin in his hand he suddenly realized he needed to get out of there. Wiping the tears off from his eyes and off his cheeks with the back of his hand he knew something had to change. He hadn't left Skyhold in months just in case she finally decided to come home. He wanted to be here for her and refused to be absent should she ever need him. This all was proving too much for him to handle though. He needed to think and he knew exactly where to do so. He would ride at first light to the lake near Honnleath. Though he hoped it wouldn’t flood his mind with memories of Izzie, seeing as though the last time he was there she was by his side, he could use some tranquility and peace. 

He quickly got up, went to the dresser, and pulled out a shirt and breeches. He pulled the shirt over his head moving his arms through the sleeves quickly and pulling it down. Putting on his pants he seemed to move even quicker. This was the first time in a long time he felt a certain sense of urgency. As if his life depended on leaving right this second. He shoved the parchment and coin in his pants pocket. Grabbing his boots, he pulled them on and fastened them. He stopped and looked over at his armor rack. The metal caught the candlelight making it gleam. Every day he had put it on. Every day ever since he was a boy in the Templar order. Today would be different. Today he would break free. He walked over to the armor rack reaching passed the battle worn armor grabbing his cloak and sword. He wanted to be free of his duties, obligations, fears, hurts, and his own mind. He wanted to feel the cool wind whip upon his face. He wanted to feel alive instead of hollow. He wanted more than what his life thus far had been. He wanted to be done fighting and surviving. The letters his sister Mia wrote him gave him a glimpse into the life he knew he might never lead. Husband. Father. Those ideas were foreign to him and yet all he longed for in life now. His anger which had sustained him for so long was drying up. He grew weary of what his life now was. He had hoped Izzie would be the start of a much happier and peaceful time for him. 

Standing up he walked to the table and shut the top drawer blowing out the candle. Striding to the door he grasped a hold of the cool iron lever taking a deep breath and he pulled it open. The coolness of the early morning air swirled around his face. Today was going to be a good day. He just knew it.


	5. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet chapter as I personally feel like the brevity of the conversation fits how Leliana and Josephine would interact. I suppose this is an excerpt rather than a chapter. lol Thank you all for hanging in there with me.

“What do you mean he’s gone!” Leliana shouted at the scout standing just outside Cullen’s door. 

“Just - Just that he is gone, Lady Leliana. He is gone.” the scout stammered not sure of what to say or do. 

“First the Inquisitor and now our Commander. Has everyone lost their minds?” Leilana groaned immediately replying so the scout wouldn’t think it was an actual question she needed an answer to. “Don't answer that.” Leliana said with anger still carrying the main note in her voice. 

“What- What will you have me do Lady Leliana?” The scout managed to muddle out with sheer panic shifting his weight from one leg to the other. 

“What is going on?” a voice as sweet as nectar thick with Orlesian accent came from behind. 

“Well it seems as though everyone around here is taking leave of their senses Josie.” Leliana turned to meet Josie face on as she was walking towards her. 

“What happened now?” Josephine said with faint exasperation. 

“Cullen is now gone. He must have left before everyone was awake.” 

“Did he leave a note or anything stating when he will be back?” Josephine gently asked trying to calm everyone's nerves. 

“No, Lady Josephine. I searched his desk and his living quarters. There is nothing. Nothing except he left his armor.” The scout said still shifting from one foot back to the other out of nervousness. 

Leliana seeing the young man's anxiety and realizing she was taking her frustrations out on him waved him away. Turning on his heels, the young scout made quick work of disappearing from the disgruntled woman. 

“That isn't like him at all. He didn't put on his armor or leave anything to indicate where he has gone. What in Maker's name is going on?” Josephine asked with sheer confusion. 

“Well, I will tell you one thing. My agents may be having a hard time finding the Inquisitor but finding Cullen will be a easy. He will stick out like a sore thumb. His ability to blend in and hide just isn't there. Josie, I fear these two will be my undoing. Maker give me patience.” Leliana quipped. 

Josephine laughed. She knew Leliana was right about Cullen. He was so well known throughout the land not only because of being the Commander of the Inquisition but because of his past history serving the Templar order. 

Leliana turned to walk toward her tower to prepare her agents for tracking down the Commander. 

As she walked away Josephine could hear her muttering to herself. Josephine giggled. She always thought it was funny how almost nothing could ruffle Leliana’s feathers but when something did the reaction was always priceless. 

Josephine began to walk back to her office knowing full well today would be another day of writing inquiries to dignitaries about their now missing Commander. 

“When will it end?” Josephine whispered under her breath to herself.


	6. Death Becomes Us All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izzie's songs:
> 
> Zuriel Merek- Levity, The Test of Time, I Will Be There  
> Little Too Much- Shawn Mendes  
> A Bitter Song- Butterfly Boucher  
> Timeless- Kate Havnevik (extended instrumental version)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has kept following this work. Thank you for the kudos and the comments. It truly keeps me going and wanting to do this. You guys inspire me to do better, be better, and to keep pushing forward with this. <3

She could see it just off in the distance. The snow on the lake shone with a glittering brilliance she hadn’t ever taken the time to appreciate before. Maybe it was because she was finally at a precipice in life and so she was seeing things differently. It wasn’t as muted as she remembered seeing the first time she was there. Though to be perfectly honest the lake wasn't something she was remotely focused on. She was too enraptured with Cullen’s beautiful golden-brown eyes to even care if the world burst into flames around them. That was the most at peace she had ever seen Cullen outside of him resting in her arms. His head on her chest listening to her calm breathing and heartbeat. 

She hated herself for leaving like she did. What he must think of her for ripping his world away from him. The guilt ate at her like red lyrium did to all those Templars. What was done was done. There was no turning back. She had damned herself to this life of a wanderer and she had to make the best of it. Hopefully, finally releasing the tie that held her to her past life would set her free. Having the constant reminder of what she left behind was doing her absolutely no good. She couldn't possibly send it back to Cullen either. It would tear him from the insides out. No, the lake where she had been able to spend one of the few beautiful moments with Cullen was the best place. 

Trudging her way down the glistening powdered slope towards the lake she heard a harrowing howl off in the distance. The sound seemed to come from behind her and if she had her guess wouldn't be much longer until she saw the wolf pack lining the slope she had just made her way down from. Looking around she saw no refuge or safe harbor. She needed to maneuver rapidly before they gained on her. Taking off at full on sprint she began to steer across the open white dusted plain. There was a thick gathering of trees just beyond the open field that would hopefully put her further down wind. It might be enough to evade the grizzly pack that were currently in pursuit of her. 

Why hadn't she practiced fighting since losing her arm and leaving? It petrified her being so helpless with a sword now. Had she still had her left hand she knew she would be able to take them effortlessly. As of right now she was currently out matched and would be easily bested. Maker's breath. Death by vicious wolf attack would not be how she left this world after everything she had been through already. 

She could just picture scribbled upon her gravestone: 

Here lies the brave Inquisitor who saved all of Thaddeus but died a sad death being ripped apart by a pack of wolves. 

Amused she chuckled to herself taking care to continue breathing through her nose as to not get winded. What a fitting end to the utter chaotic disaster her life had grown to be. She went from being someone who wholly had a purpose to being a nobody who had entirely no purpose. She use to be a spirited, animated, energetic, and vigorous person. So full of jubilation and glee. It killed her that she would never again be that carefree person. She would never feel the delight or joyfulness of what many others would find mundane. She would never again be able to wrap her arms around Cullen. She would never be able to feel her belly round with a tangible example of their love. Never be able to throw their children in the air and she'd be damned if they ever had to help her with something. She would have despised that her children would even have to remotely care for her. It was backwards and they shouldn't have to suffer because of something she unbeknownst to her had gotten herself into, albeit unwillingly. 

Lost in her thoughts, she had kept racing passed the forest tree line. Coming to an abrupt stop she hunched over to catch her breath listening for any signs of the hunters hoping to make her its prey. Nothing but a peaceful silence filled the air. Pulling down her druffalo fur trimmed hood she tried to still her wildly pounding heart. Tendrils of her blonde locks had pulled their way out of her loosely braided hair and started to whip across her face. There was something about this wind that was different and she couldn’t put her finger on it. ‘Twas almost as if there were a charge of electrical magic in the air as the hair on the back of her slender neck began to rise. Things were too quiet. Almost eerily quiet. Someone was there. She could feel it in her gut. Scanning her surroundings and glancing toward the lake she saw nothing. Slowly turning in place til she had done a complete 360 degrees she realized that all the wildlife had disappeared. Birds were not singing and the rams that normally would be roaming about the countryside were not present. 

She had to make swift work of this. The sooner she got this over with the sooner she would be able to move on from this haunted place. She was unsure of what was about to happen but she had a twisted sick feeling welling up within her. Something substantial would happen and it was already too late to turn back. She knew that now. She took a deep breath and exhaled. The frigid temperatures causing her breath to hang in the air. She commenced walking steadily and cautiously towards the cluttered rocky edge of the lake taking care to every few feet stop in order to fully recheck and clear her surroundings. Old habits die hard and she was so in tune with having to be attentive as not to run into a fade rift that it came naturally. 

She made it to the frozen lake's edge and peered at it, hopelessness began pervading her heart. The hope she had of being rid of this emblem died as the lake was still mostly frozen. It was only the very center that had started to melt creating a meager hole in the ice. The only way she would be able to throw the ring that far was traversing out onto the dock. Maker, she must do this to let go of it all. She would do what she must to finally be free of its burden on her soul. 

She walked the lake's rugged shore hearing with each step the crunching of ice. Thankfully, she had the dock furnishing a good measure of where the shoreline was and the lake started. Otherwise, she would never know if it was land or water upon which she was traveling. She made it to the creeky old wooden dock and walked along its dilapidating slats to the very edge. She took her heavy pack from her back and laid it down near one of the stoic posts that held the weight of her world up. As she took the ring out of her pocket, she for a moment questioned what she was doing. She felt the pangs of fear starting to lurk up from the murky depths. Was it the fear of letting go? As emotion crashed upon her heart she couldn’t reign it in. She felt her knees grow weak. Like an hour old fawn trying to stand for the first time so too were her legs. 

Feeling her legs finally give out beneath her, she sat with them crossed in an effort to help keep herself warm. Looking open palmed at the stunning symbol of affection the man of her dreams had given her. Oh, how she wished their life would have been different. Tears welled up threatening to spill over and at long last they did. She was finally allowing herself to cry for the first time in ages. Sure, she had shed a tear here and there but this was straight from the depths of her soul. Deep moaning sobs came from a place she didn’t know existed within her. They, to her, sounded animalistic in nature. She had never heard herself cry so hard or deep in her life. Tears were pouring out of her as were the gut wrenching sobs and she couldn’t will herself to stop. She no longer had control. 

She had to let it all spew forth. The agony. The defeat. The torture. The sorrow. The regret. The rage. The indignation. The bitterness. It had brewed to the top as if it was a piping hot kettle blowing its whistle alerting all near it that it was ready. 

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” She screamed out so loud her broken voice echoed in the wind. 

She didn't care who or what heard her. She was ready to give up and give in. This was too much. This was all too much. She rolled the ring up from her palm in an attempt to place it upon the finger it once called home. Shuddering from the sobs, a cold a chill came over her traveling through the core of her being. Her hand shook in response and the ring fell out of is holding box and down onto the icy table. Panic and fear set in. She immediately discerned that she wasn't ready to say goodbye to that piece of her. How brainless and foolish she had been to think she would ever be ready. 

Peering over the edge of the dock at her salvation she speedily judged the distance it had fallen and rolled. Her golden hair had freed itself entirely from where it had been imprisoned and was hanging down over her shoulders blowing into her face with each gust of wind. Trying to see through the mass of tangles was arduous. There was only one way to retrieve the ring and that entailed her climbing out onto the ice. Maker's breath. Taking her cloak off she gently folded it and placed it on top of her traveler's pack. She needed to be as lightweight as possible and the heaviness of the cloak would surely cause an issue. 

Unfolding her legs, she scooted diligently towards the right side of the dock. Able to grab a hold of the pole protruding out of the lake she cautiously lowered her right leg down til her foot was resting at its base on the ice sheet. Gingerly she brought her left leg down to rest beside her right foot. There. That wasn't so terrible. After a moment of getting her footing she let go of the post and she methodically started taking minuscule steps out to where the ring was. It seemed to be about four or five feet out. 

“Piece of cake.” she muttered to herself. 

She placed one foot in front of the other making sure to take shallow breaths as she concentrated. Moments seemed like hours as she toted the fine line between life and death. With each step she had a bit more confidence in the strength of the ice. She was still a good distance away from where the ice had started to melt and thus would be weak. Making it to her targeted destination she bent down unhurried and moved the ring upon her finger. Thank the Maker she had made it. Had she lost the ring it would just have been one more dreadful decision to add to the pile of abhorrent ideas she continually had. 

Leisurely turning to make the trek to her starting point she placed her right foot down followed by her left foot. It was then that she heard the cracking sound of the end of the world and received greetings via deaths glacial fingers. She strived to keep her head above the freezing waters as it bit and pierced her skin down to her bones. Her body temperature was starting to plummet as the icy water hugged her. She kicked her legs hastily and forcefully trying to grasp for a lifeline. Her hand kept skimming on the frost glazed ice but was given no reprieve. The obsidian depths begged to gobble her up by gently tugging on her lower extremities. 

This is how it happened. This was it. How often she had thought about her life ending every time she went through Skyhold’s doors out into the open world? How many times had she felt that she had nothing left to fight for? Would allowing the black abyss to swallow her whole end her suffering? It truly would be an uncomplicated way to conclude her suffering. The raw subzero water splashed over her head provoking her blonde locks to float upwards towards the heavens. In that instant she became aware of how badly she desired to survive. She craved more than to just merely surviving. She hungered to truly live. She wished to fight. Taking in gulps of the turbid polar water that was sloshing into her blue rimmed mouth and choking on it while devouring air she felt her chest tighten and burn. She could no longer feel her weightless body. She couldn't even tell if her legs were operational anymore. She started to feel herself sink, as if a boulder was tied to her ankles, to the bottom of the bitterly cold, desolate, blackness that was to be her final resting place. With her last breath before her head was consumed by the icy darkness, she whispered a silent prayer. 

“Cullen forgive me.” 

Staring up as the water enclosed around her face calling out to her, she reached for the pathetic display of light that was allowed through the icy cavity as it appeared to fade.


	7. Time is of the Essence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to Leasalla, Toni, Veganstein, and Evensoullivesforever (along with the others who have liked or followed this work) for continually pushing me to keep going with this. Please know you all have made it worth it. 
> 
> Songs that inspired me:
> 
> Zuriel Merek: The Test of Time  
> Levity  
> Ardor
> 
> Kate Havnevik: Timeless (Extended Instrumental version)

He had been riding since before dawn broke upon Skyhold. There was no doubt in his mind that things were up and running now. In his rapid escape he hadn’t taken into account his troops waking with no commander to lead them in their duties. All that had been on his mind was creating distance between the thing that was strangling him ‘til he couldn’t breathe. He surmised that they had already noticed his absence and were probably completely frantic. If he had to guess Leliana was beside herself and extremely displeased with him about now. He let out a deep groan. He should have left a note. Now they would be out full force looking for him. What was done is done and there was no going back. The chilled winters air whipping across his face made him feel free. Free of the torment. Free of the responsibility. Free for the horrors he had witnessed in his life. Free of the nightmares that haunted him. Free of having to be the rigid person he was forced to be. He needed this. His broken soul needed this. He needed to feel alive again. He wondered if this was the same freedom Izzie felt the night she left. It was intoxicating. The further away his horse carried him the lighter he felt. 

He had made good progress. The sun had only been up in the sky for a couple of hours. At this rate he would be in Honnleath by late afternoon. He knew he should have sent word ahead of time but Mia always made it a fanfare event when he came home. That was something he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to handle. When was the last time he visited? Maker's breath. He couldn't remember. 

Sighing to himself he wondered where Izzie could be. Was she travelling nearby? Was she staring up at the sky when he was? Was she faring well? She had this natural propensity to neglect herself in favor of helping others. He couldn’t remember how many times he had scolded her for putting others needs above her own. As the Inquistion’s commander it rests on him to make sure all of their troops, including her, were well taken care of and had what they needed. It caused a bit of turmoil in the beginning as they didn’t know each other’s personalities. He knew he could come across in a terse fashion which tends to put off many people. The first time he had put his foot down he saw her lips press tightly together while at the same time biting onto her full lower lip. He could tell she had something to say but thought better of it. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and turned so quickly her braided golden hair nearly slapped him in the face and stomped off hands in fists. Eventually as time wore on, they seemed to come to and understanding. Well he came to the understanding that she would do whatever she wanted to do whenever she wanted to do it. He admitted to himself long ago that this was one of the traits he admired about her. She was determined, strong, opinionated, giving, and Maker was she stubborn. He knew when her eyes narrowed like daggers on something there was no sense in fighting her on it. She would just dig her feet into the ground, grit her teeth, ball her hands into fists, and morph into this statue of defiance. A grin crept across his face remembering the time she had given her meal to a destitute Dalish family. Her unconditional love had no bounds. After all, it was her unconditional love that saw him through the worst of his withdrawals. He had been terrified to tell her of his sorted past. He feared losing her after she realized how horrible of a man he actually was. The black marks in his ledger that would never be washed away no matter how much he tried to atone for them. 

The memories of that night rushed back to him washing over him like an ocean wave. She had come unannounced to speak with him. He didn't hear her footsteps cutting across his office as he was lost and warring with himself hunched over the small wooden box which held his lyrium. Cassandra already knew he had weaned himself off the lyrium and supported his choice to never take it again. That day was particularly hard for him though. Nightmares had been back in full force. The pain was almost too much to soldier through as he had been doing. He felt like two different people warring to be the victor in his mind and he was just so incredibly tired of it all. That was the closest he came to breaking down and giving in. He had to admitted to himself a long time ago that had Isabella not entered his office at the precise moment she did he would be a different man than he was now. Her strength and support meant the world to him. She had yet again given of herself in a way that completely changed his life. She had every right to be upset he withheld that information. She had every right to question his capabilities as her Commander. She had every right to turn him away from the Inquisition and yet she did the exact opposite. She had come over to him held his hand, listened to him, wiped his tears, and let him just be broken. That was the first time he allowed himself to be vulnerable and let anyone that close to him. It was the first time he allowed himself to show weakness. The first time he let the pain he had been feeling tear through and boil up to the surface from deep within his soul. 

“Cullen are you alright?” He remembered her asking. 

That was the start of it for him. She had seen him at his weakest point and yet stayed. He shared a part of himself that night that he hadn't even shared with Mia. He didn't at the time know why he had shared it all with her. It was as if he was waiting for someone to come along that cared enough to hear of his past and present torments. She took it all in stride even going as far to tell him he was a good man. It was something she had repeated often enough that he finally had begun to believe it himself. That was when he knew she had his heart and that he would give her the world. She took a broken man and restored him to being whole again. She mended his wings and allowed him to fly. He knew there was only one woman for him in this lifetime. He had never felt this way about anyone. She was it. She was his soulmate. This would be no life worth living if she wasn't by his side in it. 

“My love. My heart. My soul. Please come back to me. Maker hear my prayer. Please bring her back to me so I can make her whole again. Move upon her heart and pull her from the darkness that has consumed her.” He willed to the heavens above. 

He was just a few hours away from Honnleath now. The sun was raised up into the middle of the sky. The winter breeze was trying it's best to cancel out the warmth the sun was fighting to provide. As much as he wanted to ride straight to Honnleath to rest his horse and grab a hot meal he felt the urge to go straight to the docks of his peace and tranquility. He knew he wouldn't be worth much company wise in the current state of mind he was in. He dreaded being bombarded with questions and being chastised by his sister for not coming to visit more often or even taking the time to put quill to parchment. Even more, he hated the fact that she would scold him for not taking better care of himself. He had hoped his next visit would be with his love at his side to share in the good news and share in the celebration that would ultimately follow once he announced his intentions to wed his dearest. No, Mia could wait. His soul needed this. 

Clicking his tongue to guide his horse he began to travel to the east away from the village and towards the lake. There he would stay until he was able to right his mind and his heart. He could only hope this was worth it as it had brought him peace many times before. 

He was almost to the lake. His horse majestically began to climb the white glistening hill that separated him from his respite. As the horse took its final steps up the hill nearing the mound summit, he took a deep breath and involuntarily held it. The breath rushed out of him as he began to gaze across the land he called home. It looked like a vividly painted scene. He had seen it many times in his childhood but never saw it the way he was seeing it now. This land had been ripped apart with war, demons, corruption, and yet it looked as if all of that were only but a dream. He felt in that moment his past and present collide into a spectacular arrangement of colors. He could see it across the snow-covered plains. He sucked in a deep breath as he begun the last quarter mile of his journey. The lake from what he could tell was a solid block of ice though looked to be thawing out towards the middle. It was signs of the harsh winter coming to an end thankfully. 

A woman’s screams ripped him away from his musing. The scream had a particular tone to it that reminded him of the sounds of pain following a horrid loss. He had heard it many times before. Telling soldiers loved ones their beloved had died a hero in battle. It echoed all around him. He eagerly turned each way in his saddle to try to pinpoint the exact location it came from. There was something hauntingly familiar about this scream and yet he couldn’t place it. Peering into the distance he saw what looked to be a person sitting on the docks huddled up. It was hard for him to make out any amount of detail. He started to slowly move forward remaining cautious of his surroundings. How many times had this method been used by Desire demons as a trap aimed to lure him in? He moved his right hand to his left hip placing it upon the hilt while his left hand griped the reins even tighter. He would be ready for anything. 

As he moved closer, he saw blonde tendrils of hair whipping across the persons face in the chilling wind. Their skin was an alabaster white almost blending into the snowy backdrop. They were hunched over while rocking and holding something in their hand. He couldn't make it out. What was this person mourning? He stopped for a moment to see what this intruder would do if anything. He clenched his jaw was a bit perturbed that someone had found and claimed his spot. He had travelled all that way for nothing. So much for him being able to sit in peace and just be. Gently digging his heels into his horse he felt the magic of the moment disappear. He began to turn his horse towards Mia’s house. As his horse took a few steps he felt this nagging voice in his head. It was Isabella’s soft voice chiding him for leaving someone who may be in need of his help. Gritting his teeth he pressed onwards a few more feet before the voice that was a sweet melody began yelling at him. Sighing he turned back around to view the figure who he noticed shifted position and was now peering over the edge of the dock. Rolling his eyes and muttering unintelligible things under his breath he steered his horse back towards the lake. 

As he edged closer the figure became more defined. It was a woman whose golden blonde hair had worked its way loose entirely and was blowing into her face. It was as if she had dropped something and was looking for it. She slowly stood up and removed her cloak placing it on a bag. With the movement he saw the slender figure and the absence of a left arm from the elbow down. It hit him like a load of stones. Isabella. It was his beloved. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't even think. After all these months of Leliana’s agents searching for her and here she was right plain as day in front of him. Maker's breath. Not wasting another moment, he dug his heel into his horse signaling him to run. 

What on Thaddeus was she doing? It was freezing out here in the open. What was she looking for? He noticed her gripping the pole with her right arm slowly starting to edge herself off the dock. He wanted to scream out to her but feared if he did, he would startle her causing her to lose her grip. She was already in a dangerous situation. He did not need to make it more so dangerous for her. He prayed a silent prayer to Andraste for protection over her and that her footing be guided. He was just a few yards away from the dock now. Rapidly dismounting he began to run to the lake’s edge watching her every move. He recognized where her final destination lay. Seeing the glimmer of gold out on the ice he knew in his heart it was the gold band he had given her when he proposed. She still had it. There still was hope. Feeling warmth swell up in him for the first time since she left, he began moving towards the dock. Feelings and thoughts flooded his mind that he physically tried to shake out of his head. Why would she put her life at risk for a stupid old ring? This was easily the worst idea she had ever had. Anger started to move in. A scowl began to crease his forehead and his lips started to get taunt and thinner. He couldn't believe she would risk her life to retrieve something so easily replaced. Maker, he would buy her one hundred gold bands. She had to know that. 

He looked down to check his foot placement as he rounded the side of the dock. He looked up and panic filled him. Isabella was nowhere to be seen. That's when he noticed the broken ice where she had once been standing. Throwing his cloak carelessly off his shoulders he sprinted onto the ice. Hearing it start to creek under his weight he got down on his belly and began to slowly pull himself across the freezing ice with his arms using his boots to push him ever further. He saw her arm flailing trying to find something to grasp a hold of in vain. His heart was racing. He had never been this scared in his entire life. He had seen countless battles. Soldiers maimed beyond recognition. Been near death himself. None of it prepared his heart for this shattering moment. Her life depended on him making it to her in time. He knew he would never live with himself if he was too little too late. Every second was precious. This was a race against time. A battle against death itself. He would win. He had too. As he got closer, he heard the faint broken whisper of her voice. 

“Cullen forgive me.” 

He saw her blue tinged fingertips start to slip out of sight. She was sinking. With one last pull he made it to the hole immediately reaching into the endless darkness frantically searching for anything to grasp hold of. His hand brushed against something and instinctively he grabbed ahold as fast and tightly as he could pulling up. 

Maker please let her be alive. 

As he began pulling Isabella out of the cold coffin that held her body his heart stopped. Her skin was unnaturally pale and her lips a purplish-blue color. Her form was limp and dead weight. He managed to scoot them to the lake's shoreline laying her out flat. Tears were streaming down his face. He couldn't have been too late. He should have called out to her. He should have let her know he was there. He should have screamed to stop and that it would have been ok. He would have made sure of it. 

Stripping off his vest and shirt he held her to his warm body cradling her head. A mop of golden blonde hair darkened by the wetness hung from her limp hanging head. He pulled her up to him so he could nuzzle her neck with his nose one last time and placed a final kiss on her ice-cold neck. He felt the dull throb of her pulse on his lips. She was still alive but only by a thread. He had to get her warm. Standing up with her up in his arms he whistled for his horse. His sister's house was a short distance from here with any luck he could get her there in time to save her. Pulling himself up onto his horse with his left hand while Isabella’s lifeless body hung from his right arm, he hoisted them up placing her in front of him leaning against his body. 

He didn't feel the cold wind whipping him in the face and chest as he rode. All he could feel was the absolute despair pushing its way through his body into his heart. Her hair with every gallop flew in the breeze. Holding her tightly he felt her curves pressing into his chest. How he wished she would fling her arms around his neck as she had done so many times before. 

“Mia please be there.” Cullen pleaded. 

He rode up to his sister's door and dismounted carrying Isabella in his arms. She felt more fragile than he remembered her ever feeling. She almost looked like one of his sisters dolls they would drive him mad playing with when he was younger. It took him but four long steps to reach the door. He didn't have time for pleasantries. Without bothering to knock he reached for the latch as the door swung wide open. 

Mia stood there mouth ajar as if she had seen a ghost. 

“Cu-Cullen! What in Maker's name..” Her sentence trailed off as she saw the lifeless body he held in his arms. 

“What happened?” 

“No time.” Cullen retorted quickly through pressed lips while pushing passed her to make his way to the fire.


	8. Mia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small tidbit that I have no place to put. lol I like bouncing around to what other people are thinking/doing and well until I know what to do with this I am putting it here for the time being. <3

Mia heard a commotion outside her door. The sound of a horse stopped her midway through cutting the ram meat for the stew she was making. She quickly set the knife down and walked to the front window wiping her hands on her apron. She gasped as she recognized the shirtless man dismounting his horse. 

“Cullen!” She exclaimed in complete shock under her breath. 

Running to the door she grabbed the lever and pulled the door wide open. Standing before her was a man who obviously had not been taking care of himself the last several months. He was unshaven, his eyes had dark circles under them, his curly hair was disheveled and longer than she had ever seen it. He was a ghost of the man she played with as a child and once knew. 

“Cu-Cullen! What in Maker’s name…” she lost her words. 

As she was looking him up and down she saw the woman hanging in his arms. Her limbs lay lifeless and her hair hung from her upturned head. She was as pale as a spirit. 

“What happened?” Mia asked worried with fear filling her from her feet up. 

“No time.” Cullen said as he brushed passed her. 

Maker's breath she had never seen her brother this way. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen him. She couldn't even remember the last time he had written to her. Some serious words were needing to be had between them but now was not the time. 

She quickly pushed the door shut putting a stop to the assault of the winter air. Turning she followed her brother's footsteps to the fireplace. Watching as he gently laid his precious cargo down on the fur bear rug in front of the fire. 

“Bring blankets!” Cullen shouted his rigid voice breaking. 

Mia sighed. While this was the least expected surprise under less than pleasant circumstances at least he was home. Turning away from her brother she rushed to the nearest bedroom and ripped the blankets off of the bed. She didn't know what this woman was to him but by the sheer looks of it she was special. 

“Maker please let this woman survive.” It came out as a faint utterance from her lips.


	9. Savior

He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears like a war drum. The world around him faded to nothing and it was just him and Izzie. Staring down at her he felt his heart was being ripped out of his chest. The tightness was suffocating him. He couldn't breathe. Watching her slipping away in the blackness was slowly killing him. 

“Bring blankets!” He yelled at Mia. 

Maker knows he didn't mean for it to come out so aggressive and abrasive. He was having a hard time holding his emotions together as it was. He would apologize later when he knew everything would be alright. He removed her boots, shirt, and pants leaving her only in her smallclothes which hugged tight to her beautiful frame. He quickly finished stripping down to the only thing keeping him from being fully exposed. Out of his peripheral vision he saw blankets placed beside him on the floor. Grabbing them up he laid next to Isabella and rolled her on top of him covering them both up. She was so still. It reminded him of when she had first stepped out of the fade. She had been knocked unconscious by the force of her hitting the hard and rocky ground. 

He remembered seeing her for the first time. She was stunning. Her golden blood stained hair had fallen out of its tightly wrapped bun. Her lips were deliciously plump and a dusky shade of pink. Her face was soft as if modeled after Andraste herself. Her eyebrows gently arched over her round eyes. He couldn't wait for her to wake so he could stare and get lost in the depths of them. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes upon. He had felt himself flush and his pants grow a tad bit tighter. He hadn't ever had that sort of reaction to a woman before. Especially an unconscious woman that was a complete stranger who tumbled right into his life. Sure, he had experiences with women but none that no work had to be done to get this sort of response out of him. He knew then that the electrical charge he felt was dangerous and if he were to stay objective, he needed to keep her at a distance. The Inquisition couldn’t afford their commander letting carnal pleasures get in the way. He also had no idea who she was, if she was a spy or maybe something much worse. 

He reminisced about the moment he received word that she had awoken from her deep involuntary slumber. Cassandra had let him know that his services were needed in interrogating this mysterious prisoner. He knew that he couldn’t be possibly alone and in the same room with her though and so swiftly bowed out using his troops and their continued training as an excuse. He knew it was a feeble attempt and that Cassandra could see right through him. He did well in avoiding thoughts of this rift angel until that fateful moment Izzie appeared beside him catching him off guard. He had been training his troops just outside Haven’s walls. He was totally immersed in what was going on around him and thinking on the letters and requisitions the Inquisition needed filled he hadn’t heard her come up from behind him. 

Clearing her throat, she had turned toward him with a beaming smile upon her radiant porcelain face. Not missing a beat, she stuck her right hand out towards him in an effort to connect and introduce herself. He knew everything he wanted to know about her by now through the musings of Lelianna, Josie, and Cassandra. He dared not get any closer for fear of somehow becoming more attached to her than he already was. However, I knew refusing to shake her hand and keep his mouth shut would only create more problems. He could hear the nagging voices of the three incredibly strong opinionated women he daily surrounded himself with. This was no different than his childhood with his sister’s. 

Quietly moaning to himself he had reached out and took her hand in his and brusquely shook it. Expecting to let go and for her to let go he was taken aback that her hand had lingered in his. He peered into the intense sapphire eyes that had been sizing him up. It seemed to him that she felt something as well and was searching within his own eyes trying to find clues to what it could be. She shook her head and removed her hand from his as if trying to dismiss what they both felt. Seeming to have forgotten what she initially meant to ask or say she stood there for a moment shifting her weight on her feet. He couldn’t remember a time where he just wanted to vanish away. 

“I’m Isabella but seeing as though we are going to be working together for the foreseeable future you can call me Izzie.” she managed to push through her voice with the slightest quiver to it. Looking down at her hands that had found comfort in being twisted together she continued, “I know you probably have some questions for me and I wanted to let you know I am an open book. You can ask me anything as I think the best course of action in building trust is being honest, open, and in understanding one another.” 

Amused and bewildered at her he slowly realized his mouth was held agape. At least she was frank and forward. More than he probably ever could be with someone right out of the gate. Then again he wasn’t the best at small talk or talk really at all that didn’t involve his tactical knowledge. There wasn’t much time for him to practice if he was being honestly. Social skills were dead last on his things he cared about. Well, up until that point that is. How he wished he had taken more interest in how those around him operated. Izzie continued to twist and wring her hands together and he realized she had been waiting on him to give some sort of response or knowledgment that she had just spoken to him. 

The sigh he had let out was more audible than he wanted it to be. It had been his turn to say something but he had no idea what. “I’m Cullen Rutherford Stanton, former Knight-Captain of the Templar Order, and currently Commander of the Inquisitions forces. Pleasure to make your acquaintance” he said slightly bowing towards Izzie. “I appreciate your openness and the honesty you are so readily willing to bestow. If ever there is anything you may need to make your continued stay with us more hospitable please do not hesitate to let me know.” There, he had managed to be professional and to the point even though his mind and heart had been at war. The corners of his lips slightly curled at his success which he regretted as he surmised gave the wrong impression to Izzie. 

Izzie’s lips begun to part and there was a ornery twinkle in her eye. Had he known what was about to exit her mouth he would have promptly seen his way out of her presence. With a bounce in her speech and a noticeable playing laughter in her voice she blurted out a question he had been asked many times by women that make a habit of thrusting themselves at soldiers in hopes to land a decent meal ticket for life. “Are there vows of celibacy? A life of service and sacrifice. Are Templars also expected to give up... physical temptations?” he could almost detect a taunting giggle in her voice when the word celibacy carried themselves away from her gorgeous heart shaped lips. 

“Physical? Why..” he cleared his throat as a lump began to form just at the thought of her curiosity on the matter. What had prompted this? At their first meeting no less. “Why would you..” stammering to get his idea out and the correct information he began again. “That’s not expected. Templars can marry- although there are rules around it, and the Order must grant permission.” crossing his arms in front of his chest he paused for a moment wondering if this was exploratory about the Order itself or if there was more to it. He was already too far down this rabbit hole to back out now. Picking up where he had left off, he spoke this time in a matter of fact way,” Some may choose to give up more to prove their devotion, but it’s, um, not required.” there he had done it. He made it through that most rather uncomfortable conversation, or so he thought. 

“Have you?” Izzie had asked matter of factly. 

“Me?!?” he remembered stammering out. It had felt like a blindside attack. His senses were spinning out of control. He didn’t know where to go with that. The only thing he could think to do was answer with truths. She came to him an open book and he would honor that no matter what position it put him in by being the same way. ”I... Um... No. I’ve taken no such vows. Maker’s breath- Can we speak of something else?” he pleaded; desperation written all over his face. It seemed as though Izzie got what she had come here for. As she looked down at her feet grinning a strand of her blonde fell from her loose braid outlining her rosy pink cheek. He hadn’t seen it before due to his own embarrassment but she had been blushing the whole time this interaction was happening. He knew she was just as embarrassed to be asking such questions. That realization had caused him to relax a bit. He knew that whatever would happen between them had begun in that precise moment and he would be willing to travel wherever she would go as long as she would have him. 

He shook his head in an attempt to banish those thoughts in an effort to come back to the here and now. Looking down at her laying on his chest he kissed the top of her head. They had come so far from that moment, seen so much, and suffered heartache together. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she was meant for him and Andraste herself had given him a precious rare gem he didn’t feel he deserved. 

“I love you. Maker's breath why did you leave? Why did you feel like running was your only option? I am here for you and always will be. Please fight this. Please come back to me my dearest. You are my heart and soul. You are my everything. My world.” Cullen said silently sobbing as he began to run his fingers through her tangled damp hair. 

Having laid there for what seemed to be hours lost in his thoughts he finally felt a flutter of movement along his ribs. It was so very light it almost didn't register with him. Looking down he saw the tips of her fingers slowly wiggle. She was with him. She would live. Relief washed over him like warm water from a river on a hot summer day. Everything would be ok. His world would be set right. He knew they had a new journey ahead of them. It would be arduous, painful, and that he would have to offer himself up to be anything she needed him to be. Do anything she needed him to do. He was prepared to give whatever she needed him to give. 

Turning to roll her off of him ever so gently he gazed down at her pristine face. Color was slowly returning to her pouty lips and he could see her heartbeat throbbing rhythmically and stronger in her neck. What she needed now was rest. Having no idea where Mia was in all of this, he turned his head in search of her ‘til his eyes landed on her leaning against the wall across from where he lay. He could see the creases in her forehead as she watched helpless to do anything else. Worry was exuding from her soft hazel eyes. 

“Mia?” his voice cracked being strainded into a whisper. 

“Yes Cullen?” Mia said as hushed as she could and still be heard. 

“Can we stay with you until she is recovered?” 

“Of course, Cullen. You needn't ever ask me. Our home is your home.” Mia said through a slow grin that was beginning to show up across her face. “Now things seem to be a bit in the clear and the danger has worn off, mind if I ask you who this is to you?” 

A small grin spread across his face.”Mia..” he paused to look down at Izzie. “This is my heart and my world. I would like to introduce to you our Inquisitor, Savior of Thaddeus, Herald of Andraste, my rock, my inspiration, and love of my life, Isabella Trevelyan.” 

Looking back at Mia he saw her face soften and a gentle understanding come over her. Now that the danger had passed Cullen felt incredibly exhausted. All those months of not sleeping much and the events of the day had drained him. All he wanted to do was sleep with Izzie in his arms. She was finally safe and back where she belonged, with him. Izzie was home. Nothing else mattered to him. He now had a chance to help her find herself and heal. To help reach deep within her and pull her from the darkness that held her captive and consumed her.


	10. Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the love, feedback, kudos, and continued investment in this. I apologize for the lateness in posting a new chapter. I was kinda stuck on where I wanted to go from the last chapter and had life get in the way a bit. <3 
> 
> Zuriel Merek: Ardor  
>  Foundling

Her head was swimming and she was feeling so hot it was as if she was back in the Western Approach. Maker, why was she so hot? Every inch of her body ached. It was as if she had just finished battling a dragon. She didn't dare open her eyes as the beams of light travelling through her eyelids seemed to be bent on assaulting her brain. Moving her hand to her head in order to shield her eyes she slowly began to open them. Where was she? She had never seen this place before. It was beautifully decorated in traditional Fereldan style and a very modest home without many adornments on the walls. She turned from laying on her side to lay on her back. 

Last she could remember she was sinking into the depths of Lake Calenhad… Her ring!! Whipping her right hand down off her forehead she was relieved to see it was still resting on her finger where she had left it. Letting out a sigh she dropped her right hand down hitting something. Puzzled she slowly turned her head to the right. Nothing would have prepared her for what was in front of her. She felt a warming flush starting to fill her and her heart started to race. He always had this effect on her. Her body responded to him no matter if she wanted it to or not. Trying to calm herself and chastising her body for reacting she gently pushed herself up on her elbow to look at him. 

Maker’s breath he was still just as ruggedly handsome as always. She could see the dark circles that engulfed his eyes. His hair was much longer than it had been. Curls were going every which way making her smile. The rise and fall of his bare chest drew her eyes in. He was the most beautiful specimen she'd ever laid eyes upon. How she wanted to trace the crevices and slopes of his chest and arms. So capable and strong. Oh how she wanted to place her head on his chest and listen to the rhythmic drumming of his heart. Just looking at him, she could feel butterflies start to well up in her stomach. Desperation and want began coursing through her veins. She had to get out of here. She rolled back on her side and carefully sat up. The blanket that had kept her so warm fell down around her tiny hourglass waist. She felt the cold caress her soft curves sending a chill up her spine. 

Maker, where were her clothes? There was no way she could escape being as inappropriately dressed as she was. Not to mention she didn't even know where here was. Everything was so foggy. How had she gotten out of the lake? How was Cullen in bed with her? Whose house was she in? Peering back over her shoulder, she knew the only way to find the answers she needed was to face the only person who could provide them. Oh how she dreaded facing him. Looking into the eyes of the man she loved and had broken. Seeing the devastation of her actions play out in his amber eyes and on his chiseled face. Would he understand? Would he be accepting? Would he be furious and leave her? She had to admit she deserved all of it. Whatever was to come she had earned every ounce of it. Her eyes started to well up with tears as she trembled with anxiety over what would happen in the near future. She had spent almost a year running. Running from herself, running from love, and running from her turbulent past. 

Feeling the bed move and creak from a shifting of weight she snapped her head back to look at the stone wall in front of her. She couldn't bare to look him in the eyes. Not yet anyways. Though she knew she would never be ready to face the inner demons that plagued her. Taking a deep breath and exhaling it slowly she set her jaw in determined resolution. Closing her eyes while turning her body towards Cullen she positioned herself to look him straight on. 3… 2… 1… Her eyes fluttered open to make contact with the world she had left behind. The man she had left behind. 

“Cullen.” She whispered softly bracing for the eventual impact that was about to happen. 

 

\--------------------

 

It was the first dreamless sleep he had in ages and it was the most peace he had been in since Izzie had left. Falling asleep next to her warmed body was as if the Maker had allowed him to walk amongst the clouds. He couldn't hold onto her tight enough. The fear of her vanishing had him willing himself to stay awake. With the calm lull of her breathing being a formidable foe he was fighting a losing battle. Nuzzling up to her neck and pulling her closer into him he allowed his eyelids to get heavy and let go falling into a deep slumber. He had felt movement in the bed waking him. Bringing his hands to his eyes in order to forcefully push the sleep away, he took a deep breath. Maker knows he had been waiting for this day for months. The day he would finally confront her. The day he would be allowed to get the answers he longed for. Fear crept into his heart. What if she didn't love him anymore and her running away was her way of avoiding telling him? Maker he never even thought about that. How awkward would this be if that were the case. He knew he already had a natural propensity for being awkward as is. Maker help guide him through this. 

Taking his hands from his face he turned his head slowly to look to his left. Sucking in a deep breath at the sight of her his heart skipped a beat. She was heaven on Thaedus. Her gentle curves from her shoulders sloping down to her waist was breathtaking. Her golden hair cascading down her back resting just above the two dimples was intoxicating. The light that shone upon her cast a halo around her highlighting and accentuating her womanly curves. He felt his heart start to pound in his ears. His breathing became ragged. His body was responding to the beauty laid out before it. He felt a deep desire start to swell in his chest creating a burning sensation. Maker he wanted her. He wanted to take her right there and then. He wanted to explore her body and taste her lips on his. He could barely hold himself back but knew he had to. There was much to discuss before any of that became a reality. Before he could kiss down her neck slowly enjoying every taste of her and caress her cheeks with his calloused scared hands. Maker he had to stop. Closing his eyes to will the images of her away he felt her staring at him. There was an electric charge in the air and the tension could be cut with a knife. 

“Cullen.” He heard her say in but a whisper. 

Her sweet melodic voice was music to his ears. Two days ago he didn't think he would ever hear it again. What a wonderful way to wake up. He now knew that no matter what was about to happen he would be alright. He opened his eyes immediately getting lost in her wide round eyes as blue as the bluest ocean. Her gaze seemed to speak to his soul. Her lips were slightly down turned and her eyebrows pushed together furrowing her brow. He knew that look. She had made the same face while trying to stop the assassination of Empress Celine. It was her silently screaming out in confusion, fear, doubt, and uncertainty. Sitting up, he turned his body to face her bracing himself on his hands. The sheets fell down even further on him making his V line visible. He watched her eyes follow the blanket down as she bit her pouty lower lip. So her body was having the same reaction his was. This at least boded well for him. 

“Izzie.” He pushed out in response to her, trying hard to mask the range of emotions he was feeling. 

 

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It was as if she were in a trance, she couldn't take her eyes off the blanket that slowly slipped down Cullen’s body as he sat up. Laying exposed was his perfectly defined lines leading to a wondrous treasure. She had traced those lines with playful kisses and nibbles many times before. Maker, she desperately wanted to reach out and trace those lines as she had in the past. There was so much need building up it was alarming. She hadn’t realized how just the mere presence of him would affect her.The sound of his somber voice snapped her back to reality. 

“Izzie.” 

It was almost unbearable when she heard him say her name for the first time. Her emotions and thoughts were going every which way. She went from being joyful, to afraid, to anxious, and back to being joyful in a matter of seconds. The way her nickname rolled off his tongue, so effortlessly, sent a chill down her spine. It was now or never she thought to herself as she looked down at the ring on her right hand. 

“I don't know where to start.” She said defeated and broken, tears threatening to make their way to the surface. 

“Maker's breath… I, uhhh, I do not know either. You know how awkward I am with things like this.” Cullen started rubbing the back of his neck “I had hoped that when you... I mean if you came back... I would have everything I wanted to say written down and rehearsed.” 

“I’m sorry Cullen. I have no reasonable explanation to give for me disappearing. All my reasons seem inadequate when I compare them with the damage I have done to you. The pain I have caused you….” Her voice starting to quiver trailed off. 

“Izzie…” the sight of her looking like an injured fawn was too much for him to handle. 

Sitting up fully removing his arms from supporting his weight he slowly raised one of his hands to cup her cheek while the other found its way under her chin pushing it up as to force her to look at him. Her eyes started to become glossy due to tears being held back no doubt. He let out the breath he hadn't realize he’d been holding and sighed. 

“Maker's breath. You are exquisite.” He said moving his hand from under her chin to brush a few wild golden strands of hair from her face. 

Izzie couldn't help but let out a nervous chuckle. After all she had done to him and put him through, here he was loving her so fully and completely. She shook her head slightly refusing to accept it. This was too easy. He should be furious with her. He should hate her. 

“Why did you leave me?” Cullen asked softly with such warmth and tenderness in his voice. 

“I… I couldn't stay. You deserved more… Better than what I could give you. Better than me.” Letting out a sigh she continued. “I am broken Cullen. Broken beyond repair I fear.” Tears began streaming down her face as she finally released it all out in the open allowing the words to hang in the air. 

“Maker's breath Izzie. How could you say or think that? You of all people know how broken I once was. You lifted me up and made me whole again. You single handedly saved me.” Cullen said while taking his hands and placing them both on her rounded cheeks. Using his thumbs, he gently began wiping away the anguish that had started flowing down her face. 

Turning away from him Isabella began to cry uncontrollably. How could he be this good to her after everything she did to him? The love that was radiating from him was more than she deserved. She knew that. 

“Cullen.. I am so very sorry.” Izzie said through tearful sobs. “I know now how selfish I was being and I do not deserve to have your love after all…..” Her voice trailed off as she felt Cullen move himself behind her. Straddling her legs with his she felt the hardness and warmth of his chest press against her back. His strong capable arms wrapped around her hugging her tight. She could feel his breath on her neck as he pushed his way passed her hair to kiss her neck. It felt so good she almost forgot where she was. Wait, where was she? What had happened? She began to pull away from him. 

Sensing something was wrong Cullen moved his face from her neck and brought his lips to her ear. He could feel her heart pounding where his arms rested on her chest. He just wanted to hold her a little while longer. Everything felt right and the world seemed to make sense again. 

“What is wrong Izzie?” Cullen gently prodded trying to soothe her wild heart. 

“Where am I? What happened? How are you here holding me?” Izzie stammered with uncertainty. 

Removing his arms from around her and bringing them down to the bed he turned his body to where he could see the profile of her face. Staring at her face searching her expressions he could tell she was lost and desperately wanting to be found. Not knowing how to begin answering her questions he simply sighed. 

“We have a lot to discuss my love. Here.” He said extending his arms out inviting her to find solace in them. “I will answer all of your questions if you provide the same pleasure to me.” 

Nodding in agreement, Izzie moved into him letting go of all the insecurity she had been harboring. Feeling the burdens and weight of Thaedus melt off her shoulders almost instantly. She knew in that moment they would be ok. She was where she belonged this whole time. 

They spent the next couple hours in each other's arms twisted up together talking, sharing their feelings, asking questions, and receiving answers. They worked diligently to move passed the last several months of distance emotionally and physically that had wedged them apart. Finding comfort and peace there in the little room and on the small wooden bed. Izzie had never felt this close to Cullen. It was as if their souls had melded together. She poured her heart and soul out to him. Unafraid of what the ramifications may be. 

She had her head laying on his chest with her right hand tracing circles and other random doodles. She wanted to stay like this forever. His hand was gently stroking her back which sent a chill of tingling pleasure up through her body. They hadn't said a word in several minutes opting instead to just enjoy the feeling of each other. 

“Cullen…” Izzie said with awe in her voice. “I love you.”


	11. Hope

Mia woke up sighing. It had been two days since Cullen had pulled Isabella from the icy depths of Lake Calenhad. She had heard tales of how the Inquisitor was a fair woman with a heart as fierce as a giant elder bear. All of the hearsay she absorbed while shopping in the Honnleath came flooding back. Maker, she had slain dragons, freed villages, helped commoners with gathering supplies and finding loved ones. It was as if Andraste walked with them in human form. She thought back to her conversation she’d had with Cullen the morning after he arrived. 

“What happened? Why haven't you come to visit sooner? Why couldn't you at least write to me?” Mia had asked visibly upset sitting in the chair near the hearth. 

Cullen had known he would be bombarded with questions. She could tell as he had squared his broad shoulders to prepare for a straight on attack. 

“Maker, Mia…. Where do I start?” Cullen muttered as he paced along the length of the room. 

“How about you start with explaining why I have to track you down each time just to make sure my own brother is alive and well?” Mia stated glaring at Cullen. 

Oh how she had worried for him. She had been his biggest supporter when he as a boy and wanted to join the Templars. She had been responsible for his path in a way and she wouldn't be able to live with herself if something happened to him. After the circle at Kinloch fell it took her months to find him in Kirkwall. The same happened when he left Kirkwall and joined the Inquisition. 

The piercing stab she had felt in her chest when she was in town purchasing more herbs and overheard two people nearby talking about the great Inquisition and their seasoned Commander who had come from Kirkwall. She had dropped the herbs clasped into her hands and ran over to them asking what the Commander's name was. It was as she had thought. Her brother was in charge of the Inquisition. 

Sighing, she watched Cullen stop pacing and rub the back of his neck. She could see him searching for the right response as his amber eyes shifted slowly left to right. Shaking his head he walked to the chair that was across from her sitting. He placed his elbows on his knees and his hands moved up to his face to support his hanging head. 

“Mia.” Taking a break to utter a sigh. “I’m so terribly sorry. There is no excuse for my lack of writing. I just always became distracted. I got your letters with every intention of writing you back but I haven't had many down moments in my career…. You know how I am…. No rest in times of war….” Cullen said through his hands. 

“Look at me Cullen.” Mia implored. 

He pulled his hands away from his face and looked up at her. She had seen the pain in his eyes. His face had been lined with regret, torment, anguish, and looked saddened. 

“You told me the woman asleep in my bedroom is the Inquisitor. How did you manage to come by her lifeless body? How did she manage to win your affections? How long have you two been a thing? ” She asked with a curious eyebrow raised. 

“Maker, I had hoped to tell you with more joyous zeal than what I can muster right now-” He turned his head his brow creasing with worry as he looked back to the room where she had taken up residence. He continued “That… Mia…. That is the woman who saved me from myself. The woman I plan to spend the rest of my days with. The woman who I pray will bare my children. It happened so fast for me. I don’t remember falling. It was as if we have always been destined. Written in the fabric of fate to end up together. As for how I came to hold her lifeless body almost losing her and myself, well that is hard to explain and will take time for me to reconcile. Please allow me that. I promise I will explain it all when I can muster up the strength to do so.” 

So, someone had tamed the inner demons of her brother finally. Bringing her hands to her mouth in order to stifle a joyful squeal Mia looked at the man sitting before her, eyes starting to well up. It had been then that she saw tears start to form in his eyes. Maker, Cullen never cried. She had only maybe seen him cry once or twice before and that was when he was new to training with the few Templars stationed in Honnleath. Mia had straightened her face and arose from her perch moving to where she could kneel down before her broken brother. Taking his hands in hers she made a promise she was unsure could be kept. 

“Cullen, I promise everything will be ok. Whatever happens we will get through it all together. I’m your sister for Maker’s sake. I will not abandon you.” He squeezed her hands and nodded in response. 

Her and Cullen had talked for hours. He shared stories from his exploits. Some made her grimace and sigh in disapproval while others made her laugh. It was nice to have him come home. Rubbing her eyes and stretching to shake out the aches from sleeping on a cot in the living room her stomach started to grumble. She was famished and knew Cullen and Izzie might be as well. 

“Breakfast isn't going to make itself.” Mia said midway throwing the blankets off her. 

Moving to the kitchen she began pulling out bowls, flour, spice, and other things she needed to make biscuits. She couldn't shake the feeling that today would be different. It seemed new, fresh even. 

“Yes, today is a new day full of untapped hope” she said under her breath as she began to pour ingredients and mix them together.


End file.
